


in the name of love

by rosewitchx



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Being Meguca Is Suffering, Decapitation, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, Puella Magi Madoka Magica AU, Puella Magi Madoka Magica Spoilers, Witches, oopsie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 02:15:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9945773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosewitchx/pseuds/rosewitchx
Summary: ''i will hold you in the depths of your despair."





	

**Author's Note:**

> heyo! you can find this on wattpad (OWL-15). I wrote this ages ago and thought i should post it here, too. i love megucas, and i love yuuri and victor. what could go wrong?  
> (spoilers: everything)  
> also, if you spot any mistakes, please tell me so i can fix them! <3  
> i hope you enjoy this!

Yuuri Katsuki has never been strong at all.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

He thought— he could beat a Witch on his own, without anyone's help. Stupid. Foolish. Dumb.

The stars keep falling from the skies. The flowers tangle themselves around his arms and legs, biting and pulling at them. _His legs. His feet._ His whole body is paralyzed in panic. He has a competition— the GPF—

_If his legs cease to exist he won't ever skate anymore—_

_Was his wish all for nothing, then?_

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

The tears begin to swell at his eyes. He should have expected it. He's always messing up. He messes up jumps and spins, he shouldn't have thought everything was going to change just because he had a stupid wish granted. He has trouble with familiars, why did he even think he could beat a grown-ass Witch on his own?

Stupid.

The Witch strikes at him. He flinches, then screams in pain. He can't move. He's rooted, literally, to the ground. His staff is too far away.

He's had these powers for months and he barely knows how to use them. How foolish can one be?

Stupid!

It's useless to keep trying. He's going to die, anyway. He ran out of magic. Even if he beats her, there's no way he can reach the Grief Seed before it happens—

He's heard stories of it. Rumors, mostly. Magical ones having their Soul Gems spoiled, and days after, they just— vanish.

Yuuri Katsuki doesn't mind vanishing. Not anymore.

A final thought brushes through his head and lingers there a little too long.

It's _him._

His eyes widen and his hands try to move, his body tenses up. He hiccups and a single word tries to escape his body, making him tremble—

"Vic—tor—"

_I wish I had got to skate on the same rink as you. I wish I could have fulfilled my real wish._

The Witch lungs in for the final blow. A cracking sound spreads through the barrier, and he squirms in pain. It won't matter anymore. Just a little longer and everything will go away.

His throat stings. He's screaming in pain, he realizes. Is this the end? Is it finally over?

What is despair? What is it?

 _Clank!_ The Witch's claws hit _something._ Is it his staff? Is it his heart? He doesn't know. All he knows is that there's a searing feeling of lava pouring out of his body, and a freezing cold is making him shiver at the same time, and—

And then, suddenly, it stops.

It pauses...

Then all the thoughts vanish and Yuuri opens his eyes.

"I made it. Just in time."

 _No way._ His heart starts beating faster and his hands (when did he get free?) travel to his chest.

"If I had gotten here just a moment later..."

_No fucking way._

Victor Nikiforov is kneeling next to him, and there's a Grief Seed on his hand, pressed against the violet gem over Yuuri's heart. Victor Nikiforov, _the_ _skating legend,_ just—

"Victor," his words start coming out, in a harsh breath, "what are you— how did you—"

"Don't worry anymore." Victor stands up, and there's a blink of blue— a blue so deep it reminds Yuuri of the winter sky. And when it vanishes, there's a white suit where his expensive coat used to be, a flowing cape trailing behind him, a blue tie, and a tear-shaped earring hangs from his right ear.

No. It's a Soul Gem.

He's one of his kind.

Victor is going to fight the Witch.

His hands grasp the rapier with not-so-surprising ease. A natural, Yuuri's tempted to say. In the blink of an eye he's gone, behind the Witch, and she releases a shriek of surprise. Because Victor is slashing at her faster than lightning, with as much grace as a swan. He's perfect, he's beautiful, he's everything Yuuri won't ever be.

And then she's gone, as quickly as Victor arrived. The world returns to its usual tranquility. The alley is as silent as ever, except for a cat returning home for the night.

Victor's shoes clack against the asphalt as he lands neatly. The Grief Seed clinks when it touches a nearby steel column.

"You shouldn't have saved me," Yuuri says. Victor turns his head towards him and smiles. The son of a— he smiles.

Yuuri isn't smiling at all.

What is despair? What is it?

"Why did you save me?" His voice grows bitter. "Answer me."

"You were screaming. You called my name." Victor's hands slide into the pockets of his designer coat, the sword long gone. "It's my magic."

"Why did you come?"

Victor's voice sounds strange when he replies.

"I don't know."

* * *

He ends up last on the GPF.

Victor wins his fifth gold.

Victor (not the skater, _not his life-savior, god no, his fucking dog_ ) is dead.

Why is he trying again?

The party, as long as he's concerned, was ultra boring. He didn't even _want_ to be there. He woke up with the worst headache he'd had in ages. And as soon as he woke up, he broke into tears.

He should just give up.

And yet, somehow, there's still a tiny voice inside his head.

Victor Nikiforov's.

And it's telling him something, just a tiny whisper, as he walks past the champion through the airport.

_Don't give up yet._

* * *

It's months later when he sees Victor Nikiforov again.

And it's because of his best friend's daughters.

Just because he thought he could imitate him— the man who had saved him.

It wasn't even that good. It wasn't even— perfect. It wasn't deserving of Victor's attention. And yet— he was there with him.

Naked in his onsen.

Okay.

It's not like— like he could ever—

Whatever.

"Victor," he says, tiredly, and he can see just for a moment how his ears perk up and his eyes soften up. He's still confident, obviously, he's _the_ Victor Nikiforov, the hero of Russia, he bathes in a shower of kisses every morning, he was born with confidence. He was rocking high heels and wearing expensive suits from before his first Junior Grand Prix Final. "Victor, what are you doing here?"

Victor smirks, and stands up and _oh_ god this ice god is naked in his onsen. The russian ice god came to the end of the world and is standing completely nude in the middle of his onsen.

"From now on, I'll become your coach."

It's a joke.

It's obviously a prank.

Even though he's there, _he's really there_ , there's the ring on his hand, the silver hair he's always seen from afar: it has to be a prank. Yuri Plisetski will burst out from behind the fence any moment now. His heart flutters, even though.

"What?," is all he can blurt out in his confusion. His own ring glows in synch with his heartbeat. Victor laughs, _and it's the best damn sound ever,_ and smiles.

Yuuri wants to keep that sight forever in his head.

* * *

There's a slight knock on his door and Yuuri bolts awake.

"Yuuri." It's Victor. He still isn't used to his presence, even though it's been months already. "Yuuri, are you awake?"

"I'm coming." The boy stands up, groaning, and slides the door open. Victor's there in his pijamas, dragging his pillow. "Good night. Makkacchin?"

"He's asleep," Victor grins, walking into the room. Yuuri locks the door shut and opens the window. "Are you ready?"

Yuuri's already climbing out. "Let's go. There was a Witch near Hasetsu Ice Castle this morning. Maybe we can still track her."

Skating next to Victor is one thing.

Hunting Witches is another.

Victor is a fast one, a graceful one, a strong one, but he can't really endure hits. He has to finish battles quickly, or he loses and flees. In exchange, Yuuri's weak and not as elegant, not as swift, but he can fight for hours if he wants to.

So they're a team.

A Magi Duo.

"Yuuri, on your left!" The clownfish familiar is gone in an instant, deleted by Yuuri's staff. Victor smiles. Things are going smoothly. And Yuuri's improved so much. He pierces through a jellyfish and it explodes in confetti.

"Victor!" The russian's heart flutters in his chest. His eyes glimmer the same way his Soul Gem does. He's drawn to his voice, and he turns around quickly. "No! Watch out!"

Yuuri's panicking and Victor realizes he's fucked up. He barely gets to take a glimpse at the sharp blade, it's an axe, before it happens.

It's not too painful. It's not— painful at all. He feels the moisture on his throat, his sudden loss of weigh, and sees the horror in Yuuri's eyes. Then he hears a _shhff_ and a _crack_ and then, it's done.

His head collapses two feet away from the rest of his body and he loses consciousness.

" _Victor! Victor, wake up!_ "

* * *

Yuuri collapses on his bed.

Victor's breathing. He's going to be okay.

Right?

Yuuri's crying.

Victor looks so bad— but he ran out of energy and couldn't heal him completely— how fucking weak can one be? Shameful. Disgusting. A disgrace.

Victor coughs and he inhales sharply. Yuuri pulls at his outfit's sleeves and takes off his cloak, putting it over Victor. He hopes he'll wake up by morning.

"Victor," he mutters, "can you hear me?" His— coach's Soul glows blue inside his cold hands. "Victor, I'm sorry. I couldn't— protect you—"

"I don't know what my parents will say— I don't understand how this happened. I'm scared. Victor..."

"Please wake up."

* * *

And then he wakes up.

And his neck hurts.

Where is he? This isn't— the labyrinth. He's out? What happened?

He scratches at his neck and sits up. Wow. Okay. He's wobbling. He can barely manage that. What the hell. Where's Yuuri?

It's hard to breathe and everything hurts.

He tries to stand up, his feet look strangely pale. His Soul Gem is sitting on the table, next to Yuuri's. Both are a little dirty, even though there's a Grief Seed there. He picks it up with shaky hands and cleans Yuuri's first.

His neck aches so badly. What's going on? Why is he inside Yuuri's room? Everything is confusing.

He stumbles his way to the bathroom, Soul Gem in hand, and his eyes only glance once at the mirror.

Time seems to stop. His eyes widen and his breathing stops.

"What— why—"

There's a gross g _ross disgusting_ pink-red scar around his neck, there's even dry blood. He's paler than ever, pale like— a _zombie_ — his skin was almost rotting—

"Victor!" He turns around sharply, _terrified._ "Victor, what are you—"

Yuuri's looking at him and he looks like a fucking monster.

"Don't— don't look— at me—!"

Bile rises to his throat and he collapses next to the toilet.

* * *

"What did you do to us?"

There's a knot on Victor's throat. It still hasn't fully healed; he didn't want Yuuri to waste even more magic on him. There's also bags under his eyes. He doesn't have the will to hide them with magic.

Kyubey's scratching his head. It's deceiving, looks horribly cute. Victor, for once, wants to kill it with fire.

God, what has happened to him? His grandmother would be ashamed of him.

What is despair? What is it?

Can somebody tell him? Anybody?

"I couldn't ask you to fight with your fragile human bodies." Yuuri's hands tighten around Victor's. He's trying so bad. Yuuri, Yuuri, he's trying his hardest. "So as long as your Soul Gems don't get damaged, you can heal yourselves and get back to work."

"Nobody told you to do that." Victor's voice is raspy and wavers. "You didn't have to do that to us."

"Do you know how it feels to truly be decapitated, Victor Nikiforov?" His eyes widen and he grasps desperately to Yuuri. "Do you think you'd have survived such a wound with your soul still inside your body?"

Victor falls silent.

"Cruel." Yuuri's sobs break the tense silence, and Victor leans into his apprentice's shirt, hiding into it. "It's too cruel."

Kyubey tilted his head, and sighed.

"I don't understand."

Figures.

* * *

The next morning, Victor woke Yuuri up with a smile. Pulled him out of bed, forced him to eat breakfast and go out for a jog. Practiced quad flips all day. Walked Makkacchin, went out to the beach.

Even though every time Yuuri looks at him he doesn't see Victor, he sees rotten skin and blood—

After they get home, they hug a silent goodbye, and begin to part away.

"Victor."

He stops just before grabbing the doorknob. He turns towards the boy.

He looks like a ghost under the moonlight, so pale, so frail, so small under the oversized pajamas.

"Yes, Yuuri?"

"Would you stay just tonight?"

What is despair? What is it?

Is it being in love without being loved back?

Is it loving without knowing if the other feels the same?

* * *

On their next fight, Yuuri had a panic attack.

It was a hard fight. Victor was trying not to lose his head again (Get it? Maybe Victor shouldn't joke about it out loud) and Yuuri was focusing on the familiars when suddenly, Victor got hurled into a wall.

Why does this shit always happen to him?

But he sees it. In Yuuri's eyes. The pure _fear._ And as soon as they get to a safe place, out of the Witch's reach, he starts speaking.

"I can't. I can't do this anymore. It's too much."

Yuuri isn't crying. He isn't even emoting at all, just trembling like a tiny leaf about to get blown away by the wind. Viktor has never seen him like this, even when he messes up the routine, even when he misses the jumps.

What is despair? What is it?

Victor doesn't know. All he knows is that things are bad.

But even so, he puts on a brave façade, blinks his own tears away, and faces the Witch.

"It's okay. We can do this."

* * *

 It's the China Cup already.

Yuuri's so scared. Yuuri's terrified. Not as bad as the time when he almost died because of a familiar. But it worries Victor enough.

He didn't get enough sleep, obviously. And did the jumps when he shouldn't have.

This is why we can't have nice things, Yuuri.

There's cameras everywhere, people _desperate_ to get their claws on Yuuri, and Victor just can't allow that.

He has to protect his prince.

So he takes him to a place where no one can see. Where _he_ can't see what hurts him.

And then, Phichit Chulanont breaks his personal best. And Yuuri listens. And Yuuri breaks down.

 _Victor,_ he hears Yuuri call. The cry echoes through his Soul, breaking every single defense he'd ever raised.

He can't help it.

"Don't listen!"

His hands cover Yuuri's ears in a sad attempt to stop him from listening. His hands, his trembling _inhuman_ hands, those that have _absolutely no right_ to touch him, how utterly disgusting! But even so, he does it. He tries to distract Yuuri.

For a minute, it seems to work.

And then Yuuri walks away. Leaves his embrace.

"Victor, we have to go."

_How can I save him? How can I protect him?_

_Skaters' hearts are fragile._

_Maybe,_ Victor thinks, _it's time I break his._

* * *

  _"Don't say anything! Just stay by my side and support me! That's all I need!"_

* * *

 Yuuri doesn't land the last jump, but the crowd goes wild anyway.

He can't hear much but a faint roar. All he can hear is Victor's _holy shit_ s echoing inside his head. _Yuuri, holy shit—_

"This is a man that will surpass all of our expectations: Yuuri Katsuki!" The song just finished, didn't it? He's staring straight into Victor's eyes now. He can't— he can't read his expression. Is he angry? Crying? What is it?

And suddenly Victor breaks into a sprint. And Yuuri— he's rushing towards him in a blur.

"Victor! I did great, didn't I?"

_Yeah._

And then Victor's heading towards him.

His arms wrap themselves around Yuuri, leans in, holds him close—

Victor's eyes close the moment they meet into a kiss.

Euphoria.

Glory.

Joy.

And yet, he still feels dread, stinging at the back of his neck.

What is despair? What is it?

Is it knowing you can't love with the way you are now?

Is it being unworthy of love with how you are now?

Can somebody tell Victor? Anybody?

Because right now, he's fallen for a boy, right?

A boy who's despair himself.

* * *

He should have thought it better before kissing him like that, on live national television.

The next day, there's death threats in their hotel's mail.

Yuuri cries.

The next week, Victor goes to a press conference and someone tries to stab Yuuri.

But by the time they finally, somehow, manage to make it to the Rostelecom Cup, Yuuri has already decided on it.

He's not enough for this job.

* * *

"Let's go on a hunt," Victor says one night.

Yuuri looks at him, exhausted. "I want to sleep."

"Come on!" The russian is poking at Yuuri's arm, laying next to him, and he sighs.

"Is it even worth it?"

_Giveupgiveupgiveup_

"Yuuri?"

"It's not... I don't want to fight anymore. It hurts to fight. You— you lost your h—head. I had to heal you and bring you home."

"Yuuri, that's—"

"What if it happens again? What if this time it hits your Soul? You barely missed it last time..."

"Yuuri."

His hands cup Yuuri's cheeks, and he looks into Victor's eyes.

 _I'm scared,_ he says. _I don't want to fight anymore._

Victor smiles at him. It's a gentle smile,  one that he hasn't seen in ages. Behind it, Yuuri sees the pain he's been trying to hide.

And Victor says, _it's okay. Yuuri, it's going to be okay._

What is despair? What is it?

Is it love?

* * *

"Victor, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"What did you wish for?"

"..."

"...sorry."

"...I wanted people to take me seriously. I wanted... I _wished_ people would say my name. I didn't want anyone to be ashamed of me."

"But no one's ever ashamed of you, Victor."

"Exactly."

"Oh."

"What did you wish for, then, Yuuri?"

"I... I once had an ugly wound. A fracture. And it wouldn't let me skate ever again. So... I wished to heal, so that I could skate forever."

* * *

They end up going on a Witch hunt, anyway, because Yuuri's running low on magic, and Victor reassures him nothing wrong will happen.

Right? Because his own hands are shaking as they track the Witch through the cold streets. Because he flinches at every small sound. Because he hasn't been the same since then.

They reach a Labyrinth, and Yuuri and him transform. It's dark, and there's— dirt everywhere.

"Yuuri, don't get distracted." The skater glanced at his coach, nodding.

"We're close. We haven't walked that much, have we?"

Victor frowns. "You're... right."

Something's off.

Nothing bad's going to happen, right?

* * *

Something _bad_ happens.

Bad is an understatement.

It's _terrible._

Victor.

It was unexpected— it shouldn't have happened, and yet—

Even though they finished the Witch off— even though they'd gotten the Grief Seed— why was this happening?

There's a searing pain that travels through Victor, and forces him to his knees. Tears escape his eyes, and—

What— what is going on—

Yuuri's laughing at him. Yuuri— his princess— his Yuuri—

"Victor?!" The worried tone of Yuuri's voice doesn't match the mocking look on his eyes. And still, even when he can barely think, his magic draws him to Yuuri.

No, it's not magic anymore.

"Yuu— why—"

"Your Soul Gem— you're— Victor!"

 _Oh._ It makes sense. _I forgot... to clean it._

What would Yuuri say— his Yuuri, he'd say—

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

It's his fault. Because he loves Yuuri. Because he loves Yuuri too much. Because he's a sinner, he's going to vanish— Because everyone is ashamed of him. His country would never approve of it. His grandmother— god, _his grandmother—_

He's going to vanish. He's going to disappear.

But then, why does he have a bad feeling climbing up his spine?

"Yuuri— something's—" _wrong! This isn't—_

_Yuuri? Everything's— dark. Where are you? Yuuri? Prince?_

_You... what happened? Yuuri? Where— please come back._

_Don't leave me alone._

_"But you don't have to be alone anymore."_ The voice snakes up his back, and Victor shudders, unable to move, unable to resist. _"No one will leave you anymore. No one will think you're not serious. No one will refuse to talk about you, or be ashamed of you. You don't have to vanish."_

 _Ah._ It's true. But wh _at about Yuuri?_

_"Yuuri doesn't love you like that. Yuuri left, didn't you see? Yuuri's not here anymore. But there's a way you won't need him anymore."_

_How? How can I survive without him?_

_"It's easy, really."_ The voice laughs. His hands frantically reach out to it.

_Then, please, tell me! How can I live without him?_

The voice smirks.

_"Create a world where Yuuri Katsuki doesn't exist."_

* * *

_She's lonely._

_Deep within her ice fortress, she's alone. She doesn't need anyone. Especially not those who have left her. Especially not her knight, her_ **_playboy._ ** _Yeah, that's just what he is. A_ **_playboy_ ** _who toyed with her emotions and left her the following day. A_ **_playboy_ ** _who stole her heart and locked her in a frozen prison._

 _But it's okay. She doesn't feel lonely at all. She just needs to— kick them all out. The_ **_playboy_ ** _, the devil that made him this way, and that shell. They're heavy. Too heavy. She feels obfuscated._

_If she frees herself from it, then she won't feel heavy anymore._

_She calls upon her friends. She draws her powers from the earth, from the ice encasing what's left from herself, and points them at the_ **_playboy_ ** _who broke her heart._

_It's alright, she tells herself. She only needs herself. Once she frees herself from him, she'll be stronger than ever. She'll return to her righteous place amongst the living._

" **Victor**!" _Who's_ ** _Victor_** _? The name rings a bell inside her obtuse head. She's enraged. She can't believe... the_ ** _playboy_** _dares unleash her fury. She roars._

_Her holy wrath will freeze the earth. Her own hands will punish those who oppose her._

_But she's not lonely. It doesn't bother her at all. She can rule the world all on her own, without anyone's help._

" **Victor** , please! Wake up!" _Eh? Why is the_ ** _playboy_** _talking to that heavy, emptied shell? It doesn't matter, anyway._

 **_SOPHIE_ ** _doesn't care at all, right?_

* * *

Yuuri didn't arrive for practice.

Yuri Plisetski's head was clouded all day. As if something bad had happened. But he didn't know— he didn't want to know.

He has to beat Yuuri. Why was he worrying about the Katsudon? Fucker. Just because he met Victor in the bathrooms after every competition, Katsuki thought he was better than him? Son of a bitch.

But he never expected—

Kyubey was waiting for him outside of the ice rink.

"Yuri, hurry! It's an emergency!"

"Hah?!"

"It's Yuuri! Hurry!"

Yuri hasn't even contracted yet.

Why is he listening to— this cat shit—

He shouldn't be walking into a labyrinth like this—

Wait.

"Victor, please— this isn't you. Please come back to me!"

It's the Witch.

A gigantic abomination made of ice and silver, with a glowing blue eye.

And before it stands Yuuri, blocking every attack he can, sheltering an unconscious Victor behind him.

"What is he—"

"Victor, please! Victor— kuh!" The Witch roars, and Yuuri buries his staff into the snow, grabbing Victor's shirt, doing his best not to be launched across the giant cave. "I know this isn't what you really wanted!"

There's pictures of Victor everywhere. Pictures he's seen before, on Instagram, on photo albums, scrolling through Yuuri's phone. But— then— why was there some _one_ missing from them?

A rapid violin melody echoes through the chamber, and the Witch attack to the beat. Her moves are unpredictable, quick, violent, somehow filled with grace.

He knows what has happened. But he wants to believe it's not true.

"Hey, Katsudon!" Yuuri's eyes widen and he turns towards the younger Yuri.

"Yurio—"

"Why haven't you killed it yet? It's just a Witch!"

"I can't! It's Victor!"

There's crystal tears rolling down his cheekbones and Yuri freezes.

It's not true. It can't be true.

"What?!" Yuri steps closer, trying to shelter himself from the snowstorm. He almost slips on the ice. He's lucky he's wearing winter clothes, but even so, he can see Yuuri's hands shivering under the extreme weather. "What do you mean it's— she's—"

"Exactly what he says." Kyubey's _annoying_ voice suddenly catches Yurio's attention. "Victor's Soul Gem became corrupted, and gave birth to a Witch."

**SOPHIE**

**THE ICE COLD WITCH**

"But I can bring him back." Yuuri deflects a few ice shards from Yurio and from Victor's body — no, _corpse._ Some bury themselves into his skin and he curses. "I can... bring Victor back."

"Are you insane?! How long have you been here?"

"Eight hours," Kyubey replies. "But he doesn't have a choice. The moment he gives up, his Soul will become corrupted as well."

"Can he..." Yurio gulps, eyes fixated on Victor's body, "can Yuuri do it?"

Kyubey's practically mocking him, isn't he?

"Of course not! Only a miracle can bring a Witch back from despair."

But what is despair? What is it?

Can somebody tell Yuri? Anybody?

He kneels next to Kyubey, and breathes deeply.

"You'd been planning this, haven't you? You— you were waiting for this to happen."

"I don't usually like needless sacrifice," the creature insists. "But you hold a greater potential than many others, so in this case, it's beneficial for us."

He doesn't care about Victor, or Yuuri.

So then, why is he doing this?

 _Because I can't let them die like that,_ Yuri realizes.

So he takes a deep breath.

"Okay."

And closes his eyes.

"I wish to revert Victor's transformation into a Witch."

* * *

"What?," Victor says, tilting his head, confused. "Why are you two looking at me like that? What happened?"

* * *

Victor stays locked in his room all day.

Yuuri knocks gently onto the door. He stares at his feet.

"Victor," he says, "can I come in?"

Victor doesn't reply. Yuuri hears a slight shuffle from within the room, and sighs.

"I know things are horrible, but— I need you. I need you, Victor. And— you said it, didn't you? You can't give up just yet." His forehead rests against the door. "Even if you don't come out yet, or let me in, you should know that I'll always be here to support you."

_Liar._

The word rings through Yuuri's head quickly, and he stiffens. "What?"

_You'll just end up becoming a Witch, too. You'll forget about me._

"Then we'll become Witches together, and we'll meet again as such."

_Yuuri..._

"I'm never letting you suffer like that again, Victor. I swear it."

Thank god the door's closed. He wouldn't have wanted Victor to see him cry.

* * *

"What the hell was that free program? I felt depressed just by watching it."

Yurio's ring glistens orange as he stands above Yuuri. The snow is falling almost barely upon them.

Yuuri looks away. "I..."

The Russian fairy scoffed. "Look, Victor's back from the dead. Instead of feeling all sad and gloomy, you should take advantage of this newfound opportunity."

There's a hand opened towards Yuuri. He takes it, hesitantly, and stands up.

"Thank you," Yuuri says. Yurio shrugs.

"Your birthday's near, isn't it? Here." From behind his back, he pulls out a paper bag. Reaches into it and pulls out some piroshki.

"Eh?"

"Eat it."

"W—wait, Yurio..."

"It's not fucking poisoned, fucking Katsudon!"

"Alright..." Yuuri bites into the piroshki and suddenly, his eyes lighten up. "It's has rice, and pork... wait, it's katsudon!"

"Yeah! My grandpa made them. Isn't it nice?"

* * *

Yuuri ends up fourth in the Rostelecom cup.

It's— to be expected. Victor had to travel to Japan to check on Makkacchin. He had a panic attack. And even though Yurio was there, he'd been so scared.

Still, he made it! He's officially into the Grand Prix Final again. Now all he has to do is not fuck up. With Victor, he can do it.

_Unless he becomes a Witch again._

He remembers the look in Victor's eyes. The pure _horror._ Victor was so disgusted, at himself, at what they were. He couldn't talk. He couldn't move.

He just hasn't been the same.

And now, he's waiting for Victor to arrive at Russia again. What can he say? What _will_ he say? How can he express how he truly feels? His hand clenches his chest, when suddenly, a dog barks at him through the window and he looks up.

Victor's already standing up, sprinting towards the door. Yuuri's doing the same, he realizes. He waits for what looks like an eternity for the door to open up when finally, he's throwing himself into Victor's arms.

"I've been thinking a lot," Victor says into his ear, "of what I should do as your coach."

Yuuri smiles, just a little. Yurio's words come to mind. "I've been thinking a lot too."

He pulls away from Victor, just a moment. Just so he can see his beautiful eyes, oh _god_ , he'd missed them, he'd missed him, holding him close.

"Victor," he says, "please be my coach until I retire."

For a moment, everything's silent.

And then Victor smiles, genuinely, for the first time in what seems like ages, and kisses his hand softly.

"That sounded just like a proposal," he notes, grinning like a fucking idiot. And they pull in for a hug again, silently.

He's just closed his eyes, bathing in Victor's scent, when he feels his coach's fingers locking around him, and then he hears him whisper _something._

"I wish you'd never retire."

_I wish we'd never become monsters._

He can't stop the tears from overflowing.

* * *

But that wasn't a proposal.

No, _this_ is a proposal:

Yuuri buys Victor a ring and suddenly, they're vowing to each other in front of a cathedral.

They're in Barcelona. The GPF is the next day, and Yuuri had wanted to check out the city with him. They went to the Sagrada Familia, to the city's center, to everywhere they could, and they had been walking through a Christmas fair in silence when Yuuri saw the rings.

It would take him a while to pay for them, but—

He wanted to thank Victor for all he'd done for him.

And now they're vowing to each other.

And now— Victor's leaning in—

God.

Thank God Victor exists.

* * *

Apparently Yuuri and Victor met after the GPF, during the banquet.

Yuuri doesn't remember it, but Victor does.

The playboy that broke his heart. The playboy that stole his heart.

The boy who danced with him and kissed him. The boy whose lips tasted of champagne. The boy who sleepily said "please be my coach".

The boy who made Victor feel happy again.

And even then, after all this time, Victor can't help but laugh at the face Yuuri makes when he sees the pictures.

Victor can't help falling in love with him. But boy, he doesn't mind. 

He doesn't mind at all.

* * *

What is despair? What is it?

Despair is losing the GPF. Despair is kissing your fiance's ring, even though he hasn't won, but not the golden one. The one where his soul resides. Despair is making him tickle with the gesture.

Despair is waking up one night knowing one Grief Seed won't be enough for both. Despair is knowing one of you is going to perish, eventually.

Despair is deciding you don't want to survive if he doesn't.

Despair is finding Victor's Soul Gem pierced by a knife, a smile plastered onto his face, his hands clutching onto a letter.

Despair is...

Despair is not having the spirit needed to keep on living.

Despair is not knowing what to do anymore. Despair is not wanting to.

Despair is attending the funeral of your boyfriend.

Despair is keeping Makkacchin when you returns to Japan. Despair is raising an altar for him, too. Despair is losing the will to skate.

Despair is watching Yurio become a Witch.

Despair is being forced to kill someone younger than you. Despair is giving up. Despair is losing the fight.

But Victor had told him so, hadn't he?

_Don't give up yet._

So he doesn't. He keeps moving. Keeps walking forward. Returns to skating. And slowly, he starts surviving again.

Because if he gives up so easily, what will Victor say when they meet up again?

Yuuri Katsuki has never been strong.

But Victor— Victor wasn't, either. And he still did what was in his capacity to keep on moving, keep on fighting.

So he keeps fighting. Fighting for the cursed, god-forsaken world that has taken so much and given so little.

And he'll continue to fight for the world that _he_ wanted to protect, until he runs out of magic, out of time.

Always.

* * *

_Yuuri._

_I've been thinking a lot of how I should start this letter. And I think I'll start with the most true of statements: I love you._

_If you're reading this, it means we couldn't find a second Grief Seed in time. And I'm fine with it. I've always wanted you to live, and you're younger than me. The world will forget about me eventually, so don't worry about that._

_I have decided that, the moment we don't have enough Grief Seeds for both of us, I'll break my Soul Gem._

_When I first met you, I had just contracted a month before. I thought I could finally be a hero. A knight of justice. I raided barriers back and forth, stockpiling Grief Seeds, and one day, I rushed into a Labyrinth. All out of the sudden, I heard your voice calling my name. It felt like I was being drawn to you. The moment I saw you, I recognized you, and then, at the afterparty, I ended up falling for you._

_I didn't mean to fall in love. Heroes can't fall in love, because their loved ones are always in peril. But you — Yuuri, you're strong. You could survive whatever was being thrown at you. You just needed the motivation._

_I fell in love with you. How stupid, right? And I did endanger you while at it. But I don't regret a single moment I spent by your side as Victor. And I'll never regret them, either._

_I was scared, Yuuri. People would judge us. People would be rude, mean to us. I didn't want you to end up hurt. But you still survived. You're strong, and brave, and that's just some of the reasons why I love you._

_I must be sincere with you. I began remembering what happened to me after a while. I know that I became a Witch. I know how it felt. I was all alone, and wouldn't listen to your words. I even tried to kill you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you._

_But Yuuri, my prince. I want you to live on. I want you to promise me you will live on, even if I'm no longer here. You're strong, you've already proven that. You don't need me to live. Continue doing the things that make you happy. Continue skating. Don't give up. Please take care of Makkacchin, too, though if you don't want to, you can give him to Yakov or Yurio. I'm sure they'll understand._

_I'm sorry we didn't get married in time. We were so close, too. I feel like, if we had gotten married before this happened, this letter would have been very different. Sorry I made you go through all that pain. Sorry I didn't eat katsudon with you one last time. I hope you can forgive me, Yuuri._

_Yuuri, I love you. I love you so much. Please live on. That is my last wish. Survive._

_Victor Nikiforov_

_March 23rd, 2017 - Boston, USA._


End file.
